I was feeling uncharacteristically introspective and melancholy last Sunday, and for awhile I thought it was hormones. I always know it’s hormones when I cry at Verizon commercials. Maybe I need some evening primrose oil or beetlejuice or something. But anyway, whatever the reason for the question I posed, I’m so glad I did it. Because the responses many of you left were so interesting, so compelling, so raw and emotional and varied, I spent many hours during the past week reading through each and every word you wrote. I couldn’t believe how different—yet strangely similar—everyone’s lives were.
For those of you who missed the original post, I had asked everyone whether their life resembles the life they used to imagine for themselves, and whether they mourn their former vision for their life or embrace the unexpected. I asked it in the context of my continual recognition that the life I’m living now is almost unrecognizable when compared to the life I used to imagine I’d have. And since I’m feeling melancholy again today (for non-hormonal reasons; see below) I’ll list a random sampling of the many heartfelt, sometimes heavy, sometimes hilarious comments you left. Since there were so many, I’ll likely list some more again soon. Thank you for sharing your soul.
“…I may not be an executive, but I am definitely a high powered female.”
“Let’s see…10 years ago I was 14. Does that make you mad? Or make you feel strange?”
“I do remember that I was never going to have kids. Now I have three. My life today is so much better and happier (and more sober) than my teenage self could have ever imagined. It’s also a lot noisier…”
“…and I didn’t realize that when you get to the other side of the middle of life (55), and it’s hard to change what’s already set, you start to wonder if what you did made a difference…”
“Life is never what you plan. I now work as a Millwright…a millwright installs structural steel, we burn and weld, and take care of all the machinery in our factory. I was the first female millwright at our plant among 150 male millwrights…”
“Ten years ago we were on Easy Street. If I were able to look into a crystal ball and see what was ahead of us over the next ten years, I never would have been able to enjoy and cherish the good place we were in.”
“MY PLAN: Making six figures, working for CNN, not married yet. CURRENT: Living in Africa on 4 figures. Is there such a thing?”
“Sometimes I think there’s another me, living an entirely different life, and occasionally we are aware of each other, or switch places…because I wander around thinking ‘This isn’t my life. My life isn’t a huge, messy house in Georgia with a husband, three cats, a roommate, and a child. My life is in a quiet little place in Colorado.’ It’s the oddest sense of displacement. I wonder if that other self ever has the same sensation.”
“…but my other goals…not so much. But you know what? They don’t matter. Not one bit. Because my family is my universe. And I have learned that it’s ALL about family anyhow. Without family the rest isn’t anything.”
“It’s not been easy. But to hang onto the pain of dashed expectations, one loses the opportunity to celebrate new and once imagined joys. I’m 50.”
“Twenty-two years ago I was deliriously happy, being married only a short time. We were impossible, couldn’t leave each other alone…My husband had a terrible accident nine years ago that left him with permanent brain damage.”
“I never had any plans and even those changed.”
“Ten years ago I was in a major depression and could barely get out of bed….Now I’m 56 and have finished two years of law school, have three grown children…and have the most beautiful granddaughter in the world.”
“I’m content with my life now…But I can confess…that I’m still holding out hope for the man I fell completely and forever in love with ten years ago. He’s still my heart. Maybe someday, but I’ll be okay either way.”
“Still trying to come to terms with losing my only child, no grandchildren and the loss of so much of my family. Not at all what I expected…”
“My husband and I drive old cars and live in a tiny house and live paycheck to paycheck in order to send them to the best school. I always thought I would have a life to be envied. The truth is, I am…I couldn’t have imagined it, but real life is much, much better…”
“…But I am back here and do work for a small newspaper. Is it what I expected? Not exactly—I’m not married to Josh Groban yet. But it’s a pretty good life.”
“I thought I would be…more…”
“Yes, I mourn…”
“One thing I never pictured was being diagnosed with breast cancer at the age of 37…”
“I’m married with two kids, but I’m a stay-at-home-mom…It’s definitely not what I intended for my life, but it turns out, it’s everything I never knew I always wanted.”
“My daughter’s angst now is that she doesn’t know what she wants to do with her life; she’s a year out of college…I keep telling her that…fate will take her in many different directions, regardless of her plans…”
“Fourteen months ago, my life was more than I ever thought it could be. And then we lost our baby. And my oldest daughter was diagnosed with cancer.”
“When I was little, I was planning on Donny Osmond coming to my house on a motorcycle and taking me away. We would then become a duet and be famous…”
“I can’t say I’m unhappy but I wish I would have been a little smarter and not gotten pregnant when I did. I think I’ve made life harder for myself and my children…”
“I was too busy getting high and chasing boys. But 26 1/2 years of sobriety later, I wouldn’t trade all of the experiences I’ve had and lessons I’ve learned for that lifestyle again. God it was fun, though…”
“I am married to a man whom I regret marrying because he is not the man I thought he was…I have had nothing but crappy jobs and I have had enough. So I’m going back to school again. I start tomorrow.”
“The Dream: Husband, 2 kids, dog, large roomy farmhouse, lots of friends, lots of entertaining, family vacations. Reality: Husband, 1 child, tiny little bungalow, me working full time, very few friends, no entertaining, and vacations are rare…”
“I’m 32, and in a few short weeks, I’ll mark the third anniversary since I became a paraplegic. Not at all where I thought my life would be, and certainly not the ending I had envisioned for the bike race I was in when I ended up “tits-up in a ditch” to quote Proulx. But despite the fact that I’ve lost my “hot bod” and athletic prowess, there is redemption in sudden disability…”
“Twenty years ago? I was probably thinking ‘I should kick mom now.’”
“Twenty years ago I thought I would be married, have 3-5 kids, live in a nice house with a front porch and a pool. Fast forward twenty years later, and my life is just as I pictured it. I’m married to a lovely woman, we have three girls, nice house, porch, and pool. The only thing I didn’t take into consideration would be the lack of another testosterone creature in the home (human or animal.) I have two brothers, so I guess this is God’s way of paying me back for being a punk to my parents. At least my parents didn’t have to deal with the dreaded text messaging that comes with teenage girls. Can someone tell me how one 17-year-old girl can have 6,000 text messages in one month?…”
“I thought I would be in a city apartment in a place where the buildings are tall and block out the sky. That I would be bent over my computer writing things of worth, of weight, of value. Not so much…”
“It is so heart-wrenching to hear how happy everyone is when my life right now sucks the big one…”
“No regrets, of course, and hopefully Simon Le Bon feels the same…”
“The past 42 years has included two children we both adore, three grandchildren, careers we’ve retired from, and guess what I still don’t know what I want to be when I grow up. Did I did everything I wanted to do? No. Does it matter now? No. Would I do it again? No. Go with the flow…expectations lead to misery and depression…just let life happen. Grasp opportunity when it comes along, pay your bills, say please and thank you, laugh a lot, and be happy!”
“As I write this, I’m in a hospital with my youngest one, age three. She’s fighting cancer—for the second time.”
“I thought I’d be married with kids. I’m married with kids. Either I’m good at accomplishing goals, or I have no imagination.”
“…Twenty years ago when I was nineteen, if I saw myself now (married eleven years, two sweet girls, lucky enough to stay home with them) I would have seen a failure…but I don’t have regrets. More joy has come from happenstance than any planning. That’s the very essence of life—unpredictability.”
“I was young and full of myself. I would have expected I’d be in Congress by now, or at least have a few bestsellers out. Instead, I find beauty in the curl of the pansies below my steps, the way my dog gets his lip caught in his teeth when he looks at me, and steadfast love from my husband. Life is funny and sad. Sometimes the see-saw effect of it all makes me a little seasick, but mostly I bathe in all the wonder.”
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The verdict? Life is what happens when we’re busy making other plans. Who said that? The Eggman? Yeah, it was him.
Thanks again, everyone.
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